Cockle f’r your troubles, dearies?

Note from the editor: I have no idea what this is supposed to be about or what it means. I got it as a submission. Ok, sure thing- i like the cadence. Maybe a reader can understand it.  

Cockle f’r your troubles, dearies?

by G. E. Bauns

“Cockle f’r your troubles, dearies?”

“Oh please, mister! Rough and tumble me will you? Right randy I be-”

“Mm, and bollocks then?”

“Cockle and bollocks both, mister, waggle that wumbly bunch under me bum-n-tumble will you?”

“Waggledy, you says?”

“Oh verily, mister, ‘muckoo muckoo fucky fucky,’ wum wumber me will you? Mmm, yessss...”

And waggle and wumble we did then. Head-first I went, submerging all ov meself into her vandangly lid-lips, and up and up I crept like a centi-preed. Spelunking me lunky into the missus down-under-me-roo, talcum cavern of mucus-prodoosus stalag-ta-tungs. Yes, she was one ripe rummunger. And quick as a leech my rum-cum-tumbles asunder and the whole lot was off with her head.

Pre-emptive revenge cheating on the Last Meridian (A Cautionary Tale) OUR 50TH POST!

Honestly this was a slog to work through, I feel like my style has changed so much in the last year with writing. I wanted to write a classic cautionary tale to celebrate the 50th post on the blog, but some of the readers can probably tell my heart wasn’t truly in this one, although its a story that needs to be told <3 Happy 50th post.
 

Everyone wants a girlfriend with a hot mom. My girlfriends hot mom happened to be only 2 years older than me, and the exact type of woman I liked. Sarah-Anne gave birth to Leah when she was just 16, and at 37, she was a total stunner. Big lips with just the slightest trace of filler, nice firm breasts that seemed to constantly be seeking my attention, and the tracksuits she would wear to the gym left very little to my overactive imagination. I would think about her constantly. There was a certain manner she placed a cool jug of water on the table at dinner times… that is all I need to say. Instead of going to Leah’s room after dinner I would tend to linger in the kitchen, offer my help with dishes, anything I could to be around Sarah-Anne. 

I would pop by the house when Leah wasn’t around as if I didn’t know, and find some reason to strike up a conversation. Sarah-Anne had a deep throaty voice which set my hands to shaking. She was a great listener as well. She had had a string of boyfriends, but no one had stayed long enough, and I could just tell she was lonely. 

On one of these days that I popped over to ‘look’ for Leah, two weeks before my first military deployment overseas, I was sitting in the living room airing my grievances about Leah. I found her to be so immature, and all of the things that had been exciting when we first met quickly grew stale. She spent too much time studying for her University classes and too much time with her juvenile friends. I’d tried having adult conversations with her about responsibility and dependability, and she would do her best, but quickly go back to her old habits. I was starting to feel fed up, and Sarah-Anne was always a receptive ear to my problems, chiming in her own issues about Leah. Spending time with a real woman was sometimes such a nice reprieve from Leah, someone who had barely stopped being a teenager!

I shared with Sarah-Anne the intrusive thoughts and insecurities I was having around my 6 week deployment. I told her how worried I was about Leah spending so much time with her little uni friends, and all the boys that would be around when I was away, and not able to keep an eye on her. Every single service member has an experience with a lying cheating partner, who gets pregnant with another persons baby or starts sleeping around or whatever it is they do as soon as the service member is deployed. 

Sarah-Anne took a great pity for me and reached out to take my hand in hers. I felt the velour of her pink tracksuit sliding against my wrist and I quickly repositioned myself so my erection wouldn’t be too obvious. 

‘Poor Mr. Military’ she said in her husky voice, a sound that purred like a good range rover starting up (I’m british if you couldn’t tell) ‘have you ever heard of  pre-emptive strike? It’s one of the only good things I learned from Leah’s useless father.’

Of course, I had heard of a pre-emptive strike. Our unit was set to bombard the living hell out of the French coastline before they mustered up to the courage to attack the UK, but I wasn’t so sure why Sarah-Anne was bringing it up, so I arched my eyebrows to let her continue.

‘It’s what Leah’s father would do, he would worry that I was going to cheat on him, so he would revenge cheat in anticipation of what he believed I would do. It’s a tool I’ve used to keep some of my weaker boyfriends in check from time to time.’ Sarah-Anne said. “A good looking man like you, it should be no problem to secure a couple cougars to release your wild stallion into… Yes I saw you coming out of the shower once. Leah will be so distressed the whole time you’re gone, that she won’t have the will or energy to cheat on you!’

I was a bit surprised, but flattered as well. A hint of doubt crept up the back of my neck. ‘But Sarah-Anne… she is your daughter, aren’t you worried about her? She makes me mad, but I feel protective of her, almost like a father. I don’t want her to be hurt.’ I didn’t mention anything about what she’d said about me coming out of the shower.

Sarah-Anne thought about this for a moment looking defeated, her lips took a sensual downturn. ‘I guess you’re right Peter. She might be hurt if you were to sleep with some stranger…’ Her eyes lit up again ‘but what if it’s someone that she knows has her best interests at heart! I’ve never done this before, but what if you slept with me, and then I was able to support her and take care of her while you are gone!’

My eyes bulged slightly in my sockets. I could feel blood pulsing through my rigid cock like the stampeding of hundreds of hooves across a great plain. Did I hear her properly??? ‘Sarah-Anne, could you please repeat yourself? I’m not sure if I heard you properly…’

‘Well Peter, Leah knows I would never do anything that wasn’t best for her. I am her mother after all. I would be prepared to help you stabilize your relationship by engaging in anticipatory revenge cheating with you so that she won’t cheat on you first. It can be a bonding experience even, between me and you, and will bring the family closer together in the long run.’ She raised her hand up to my cheek. ‘to be honest, I like having a good man like you around Peter, even if it’s to be with my bratty daughter, your presence in my life reminds me that there are good intentioned men out there, and you have a strong force of life in you. I bet you blow a big load. I would be quite curious.’

I almost came right there as her hand played with my lower lip. I was beside myself with lust. ‘I can’t get pregnant again, I don’t want to raise another one, so we will have to use a condom. For me, this is even better feeling sex’ she said. I had no problems with that. I told her I wanted to plan something really special. and to be ready in a swim suit the next weekend. I left the house later with cum leaking out of my boxers, a viscous river that spiderwebbed out until wicked by my thick leg hair. 

—————————

I called some favours at the military and got a boat for us. I wanted to fuck her on the last meridian. It’s something I had dreamed of ever since I learned about sex. The Greenwich meridian rolled off the tongue in a way most pleasing to a future veteran like myself. Humanity had categorized the world, and in the order that came from categorization, there was something thrilling about being at the first or last spot in that order.

Sarah-Anne looked like something that I would watch on a porn website geared towards modern male interests. She looked just amazing! She wore a bikini that amplified the exaggerated curves she had received in Turkey. I took a sip out of a small flask I carried in my pocket to calm my nerves. My military friends who snuck us into the compound were flabbergasted. They had never seen a woman this beautiful. They were boys, barely 19. I faced my nerves and put my hand across her thigh, sampling the yielding flesh with the nerves in my fingers. It leant itself to my probing touch.

We boarded the boat and set off North-East. Sarah-Anne stood to my side at the wheel, looking backwards to the land. ‘It’s my first time at sea’ she said ‘I like new experiences, and I’m happy to help out in a family matter, but I can’t help but feeling a little scared. The ocean is huge.’

I fought down the urge to guffaw. It was interesting how a woman this worldly and experienced in the world of relationships could be this clueless about boats and water. I didn’t want to ruin our afternoon, so I held back my laughter. ‘It sure is Sarah-Anne. Sometimes I feel a kindred relationship to the volatility and power of the ocean. It can be difficult to keep such strength in check sometimes. Leah doesn’t seem to understand that.’ Sarah-Anne remained respectfully silent, seemingly lost in reflection about the forces that I had to keep at bay.

Upon reaching the last meridian, I dropped anchor, pulled out a bottle of distilled spirits from my picnic basket and poured us both a glass. I was ready to get drunk. Sarah-Anne was still lost in her contemplative silence, and it was starting to irritate me. I had expected her to behave in a more sexual way. I started drinking and looked at her expectantly. She brought the glass to her lips but didn’t swallow. 

I’m going to butt in for a second as the author because I didn’t know how to write this in. Sarah-Anne had been overcome by a deep fear of the unknown, and was undergoing some genuine change having been removed from her environment of comfort. Disgusted by the weak man she saw in front of her, and ashamed of the destructive behaviour she brought to her family relationships, she wanted nothing more than to return to shore and apologize to Leah. There are some wounds that make us behave against our base natures for years and years and she was ready to change. I guess it was just the shock she woke up to in that moment - allowing lust and her own abandonment to dominate her life, when she had everything she really wanted at home. Anyways, back to the other perspective.

I was impatient, and felt like my erection wasn’t going to last long in the negative mood she was projecting, so I reached in the picnic basket and pulled out the condom I had brought. I was tearing at the package with my teeth when a swell came from the ocean and knocked the condom in the water. Disbelief .. as I watched the condom sink below the waves. I hadn’t packed another. I had formed the words to ask to do it raw with Sarah-Anne when I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye. 

Ok, so I’m butting back into the story as the author, because I just want you to suspend your disbelief for a minute, and pretend that this next part really happened. It’s a cautionary tale with a strong moral. I’m switching perspectives because Peter is boring me.

Seemingly all the life rose out of the entire ocean in that moment, and started bumping against the side of the boat. Squid, jellyfish, dolphins, a whale, seals, normal fish… The spokesperson of these fish gestured in a way that implied the reason they were there was because of the disgusting element which had been cast into the water. Sarah-Anne remained quiet. In her heart she knew this meant death for them. In this moment, she felt as if this was the natural conclusion of a series of mistakes she had started making, mistakes she hadn’t been able to accept as reality. Her face was wet with tears. She could see Peter was screaming and yelling at the animals, but she couldn’t hear anything. It was hard to care about anything aside from the downpour in her head.

Sarah-Anne watched numbly as Peter was dragged from the boat and down into the ocean, his body quietly seizing and shaking until it sank below the surface of animals, packed so densely she could hardly see the water. She watched as one giant tentacle licked up the side of the boat, disappearing until she saw it slamming down two inches from her, catapulting her into the teeming masses of life. There wasn’t much more after that.

Consensual Sex Leads To Expected Pregnancy

 Clementine had always wanted to be a parent. When she was a little girl she would build nests like a mother bird, arrange her dolls and bottle feed them gatorade from the plastic nipple until their mouths were stained red. She would piece together elaborate meals, picking up things from around the garden, and try to coax the dolls into eating, using every technique her own parents had auditioned on her. Countless hours were spent playing school, making up games to stimulate their creativity and help them develop a unique identity and sense of purpose in this world. 

Dolls don’t have a wide range of emotions accessible to them, so when she was old enough, she began looking after the other children in her life; family, the younger siblings of friends. She approached all of them with love and humanity, as well as the neuroticism of an obsessive wildlife behavioural specialist. She would constantly test out her budding theories on how to best handle the various emotional outbursts that the other children were prone to. She assessed what brought them joy, what shut them off. These reactions she would meticulously file away in her big brain and countless personal journals. 

It’s not that she was forced prematurely to be an adult, Clementine was still very much a child to her own parents - and until they publicly and irreparably divorced when she turned 15, she saw them as models of security and the good parental instincts she sought to develop in herself. During the divorce, a piece of her heart wandered off, and didn’t present itself to her until a pivotal decision was being made in Paris, France one morning 30 years later. 

Rather than having her own familial ambitions shattered by the divorce, Clementine reacted to her heartbreak by doubling down, exerting excessive pressure on herself in her intellectual pursuits. As she watched her mother and father fall from heaven, she became aware of their fragility. In torment, like every child, she encountered with difficulty the fallibility and flaws in her parents, who were previously unimpaired in her eyes. While living with her father, to her own dismay, she was even forced to put the parental skills she had been developing her whole life to use, in order to keep him from the purgatory adults can go through after experiencing significant changes to their narrow lives. 

It was a profoundly jarring experience for her young soul. 

When she was old enough, she worked at daycares and summer camps, still consciencously filing away information in her journals before going to sleep each night. When Clementine graduated from high school, she applied to top Universities across her excessively large country, wanting to get away from the toxic and burdensome dynamic she was subjected to by her embittered parents. At 18, she moved to a big city, took classes in early childhood psychology and nannied on the side to make money for herself. She made friends, had a number of short relationships and one longer one that she had thought would last forever, travelled a few times but never too much and things were very normal.

Anyways you guys get the point so i’m just going to speed run the rest in a paragraph. She finds a boyfriend in an interesting and unique way filled with just enough coincidences to make her believe in fate, she develops herself alongside her compulsive interests in parenting, goes to therapy, works as a child psychologist... In her early thirties when she wants to start her family, she talks with her boyfriend who is a nice and gentle person and loves her very much. They have sex with no ‘protection’ a lot and all the time for a month always making sure to be in a respectful position when the boyfriend is coming, to bring the child into the world with decency. She finds out she is pregnant and is overjoyed… she goes to therapy again because her boyfriend suggests her neuroticism around childhood behaviour might lead to expectations divorced from reality which could negatively impact her relationship to the child. She works through her parents divorce (unrelated to the thing that happens in Paris, France ten years later). She is proud and ready to be a healthier mother, while still holding on to her wealth of knowledge and abundance of love. The child is born and the family is beautiful. She reconciles with her own parents, who have done work of their own, and while the parents won’t ever get back together, they are comfortable seeing each other and being great grandparents to the child who isn't called Banana (as this would cheapen the story, but I thought it would be worth noting anyways). She probably has a couple more kids, and is a well developed and mature person, who in the later seasons of her life has glowing skin, and to whom both children and adults are drawn, due to her serene energy and the vitality she exudes.

So that’s the story, i guess it’s about the beauty of ones natural impulses and how they interact with the contradictions that exist in being authentic to oneself while also maintaining a relationship to family and society, especially as a child - how this can lead to neurotic behaviour, but by working through the root causes of your neuroticism, you’re able to healthily engage in these incredible impulses that define your relation to your own humanity.

It’s also about an amazing outcome of condomless sex that hasn’t been talked about enough, which is expected and wanted pregnancies and children. For a lot of people, this is important. Finally, there are themes of patience, and understanding that some human relationships are in constant development over long periods of time (decades), and are never set in stone, especially close family relationships. These are the relationships that make life worth living even though there are often accompanied by long periods of distress and confusion.

Take care everyone xx